Tuesday, May 23, 2017

How Wonderwoman Made Me Feel Vulnerable (for a sec)

So, I was thinking the other day: are we all just crazy chameleons? Walking around doing as we do?

Society, pfft. French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau looked down on you, especially at the end of his life. Paranoiac, perhaps. He became so disenchanted in old age with society. In his last and unfinished book, Reveries du promeneur solitaire, he reflects and says that our states of being are always in continual flux. (Now add to that the looks/judgements of others.... isn't that society?).

And of happiness, Rousseau made this point: Everything is in continual flux on this earth: Nothing maintains a consistent form, and our affections which attach to exterior things are just as changing as those objects. So yea, I think it's right: we are all just crazy chameleons. Rousseau may be right: we only have pleasures which pass. As for enduring happiness, he doubts that it can be known here on earth. He writes: Hardly is there an instant in one of our most amazing pleasurable moments that the heart can truly say "I hope that this moment lasts forever." He goes on to ask: How can one call happiness a temporary, fleeting state which in fact leaves our heart anxious and empty, and either makes us miss or regret something that came before, or desire something that would follow after?

We already kinda know we're going to die... And as Woody Allen likes to say, Life is how we live with the ways in which we distort the reality of that fact.
Jewish cemetery in Prague.

What is the ole adage? O yes...
"It is what it is."

In other (perhaps more positive) news, a strange thing happened today: Wonderwoman made me feel vulnerable, and I'm not quite sure how it happened. First, I was shopping at Target and throwing a retro sports bra of her face in the basket (you know how that goes at Target... flinging into the cart stuff you don't need), next I am trying it right on at home and to my surprise it looks kinda cute and I won't have to return it, and then I'm taking a selfie with my wonderwoman sports bra, smile, and stomach scars in a pic. Then, I'm texting a friend goin' "She may be wonderwoman but she doesn't have my scars." And then I do yoga, and I feel my body still need healing from all it has been through, and I start getting down on myself, somehow, about my disability situation and the rut I feel it has thrown me into: the indecision, the uncertainty, the lack of real improvement.

And then I think of my scars and I start to feel proud again. Wonderwoman? She's just a face. I mean, she may be real to some, but it's besides the point: I know deep down that I'm a real wonderwoman. So vulnerability because of disability? Yea, sure, I got that. Today was the first day that I let myself kinda complain to myself. And I thought: oh no, I must confess this, because I can't let my gratitude lessen. My sheer gratitude helped me see the amazing positive of my disability - because I am still ALIVE because of those operations - duh! How could I get down on myself and this condition? 

Well, you can't keep me down in my self-image - cuz I have the scars. They are evidence of my strength and of the love that went into me. The love of God and the love of my parents and friends and family who prayed for me. I might need a picture to see them so that I can recognize what I have been through. I might need to still crawl out of my trauma, but I'm letting go with every pigeon and tree pose - and in many other moments in yoga. I'm letting go. I'm feeling myself as strong as ever. And I remember, hey, I saw a some strong abdominal type people in the Colondar magazine, showing not only their scars like mine, but also their in-shape-ness. There is something about being sick and weak and down at the pit of earth when you're getting out of a total colectomy - and all that ensues after it.... So yea, it's no wonder that some people want to get in tune with their body and feel stronger through their body by embracing their relationship with it, this wonderful body, conductor of... Life.

Getting in child's pose, almost a fetal position, made me feel better today. No coincidence in that, I realized afterwards. I stayed their a while, forehead to the mat.

Thanks for listening.

Yoga helps us be a self in awakening.

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