Hope

Hope shines bright and with greater buoyancy in the darkest night. In the pitch black and in the silence, you hear truth and real comfort only when it is spoken to you so preciously. You recognize people and their merits and their spirit. You see clearly life, the values of it, and there is so much more I can say, but it wouldn't matter until you found yourself in a similar position confronting death. It's all individual anyway - and relative in terms of urgency. But perhaps it is true that life should be considered preparing for your death: how do you want to look back and say you had lived? How do you leave without unfinished business or regrets or attachments? We all learn to think and act as if death was not going to happen to us. But that wonderful American televised painter, Bob Ross, says that a dead tree is just as much a part of the landscape as a live tree...I am paraphrasing. But imagine what a lesson to have hit home when you want to be there for your growing son.

So for those with a diagnosis or a very pressing, grief-like, or sad event in their life: What is hope? Is it brainwashing the self into thinking you're going to be alright despite some very real facts laid out before you? Well for me, I do not like brainwashing. I can feel when something is sincere - especially when there are some facts that you can go and do further research on. You need to do this, if you have a medical (or other) issue. Research things for yourself: Separate the false information and input from the real deal. I put out a question survey on a forum I belong to and I look for research and I ask the experts (a fellow told me there are two case studies) and even in a recent meeting, I get very, very few responses back because: We don't know. "Where there is no data, we are going to use our experts in different fields to share their experience," the expert female doctor (and reputable surgeon) explained to me. Now this was reassurance. Someone saying: We don't know. Looking back, I had been exposed to false reassurance: with the first GI doctor who told me I didn't didn't bother to biopsy the polyps he saw in one of my organs. He told me they were usually benign. Once again, we need to be aware that there is fake news (unfortunately) and then there is journalism. There is the red pill and there is the blue pill. There is also the pill cam that you need to swallow with a monitor over top of your clothes most of the day.

Anyway, this doctor who will work with me, she was the loveliest of surgeons I had ever met. She was so vibrant, and she seemed to be shining as she looked at me, heard me, and spoke with me, a woman of experience and wisdom and youthful beauty. I was in a Tolkenien forest and had met a creature of divine skill, one who was slightly strange only in how lovely she appeared. It is striking to feel the aura of a renowned female surgeon and woman who is inspiring all the way around, just upon meeting her. I went back a couple weeks later to meet my next doctor, one of the internists (internal medicine) that she and my previous surgeon recommended, and was wowza-ed by his expert and professional and thorough ways. I've met a lot of surgeons and doctors for my age, and I don't know that I have ever experienced so much in a doctor the incredible balance of: a genuine, inter-relational, personal tone and a deeply concise, thorough, and knowledgeable way of speaking about medical histories, research, and outcomes. This balance is another important component of their expert professionalism.

These doctors at centers like Memorial Sloan Kettering are another level. This guy was impressive and took his time with me, felt the areas of my body of concern, even at the epidermal level.

He had all the most relevant reports of my medical history printed in his hands, the condensed version, and went through the stages of my medical journey with me, the surgeries, the scope results. He asked for those that were missing from the pile.

Moral for all: Be your own health advocate. Ask questions. Seek second opinions from experts if you need to. It is a matter of quality of life and of death. When you're walking that line, don't mess around. I hope for more excellent healthcare for everyone.

We can all be very thankful for places like Memorial Sloan Kettering and other excellent doctors and nurses who really stand out locally.

In the meantime, work on those kleshas (ignorance, ego, fear, aversion to things you experienced and didn't like and now try to avoid, and attachment to life) - this is a never-ending work. And listen to your body: what is it asking for? More movement? Green, clean foods, vegetables, lemon, olive oil, no more boxed or canned food? Or quitting unhealthy habits? The self is not the body - but the body helps us get to know the self, and it definitely allows us to be around for those we love and who love us.

I'm thankful for the yogic tradition, which has helped me tremendously, cleaning out the spirit, the mind, and the body. Making changes in my life. Opening the heart to faith, trust, the divine source. Letting the breath and refocus within the practice sustain me through some very difficult days. Nights are hard when you are looking at two hard options.

Ionesco: "One must write for oneself,
for it is in this only that one may reach others."

Eugene Ionesco, a French playwright of the 20th century, author of Rhinoceros and The Chairs, said that in this life we should prepare for death. Maybe that was the theatre for him. Indeed, we all hide our fear of death in the unconscious. I have spent weeks in sadness, and am coming out of the clouds. I am seeking the practical and spiritual lessons in all this... Letting myself come to this. Preparing, learning, seeking my source and wisdom and love and letting go. Receiving hope and courage from truly awesome souls I have crossed paths with. I have a lot more hope now moving forward also, thanks to expert doctors. And still, I think Ionesco had a good point - several, actually.

"There are more dead people alive than living. And their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer" -- Ionesco

Try delving into an ancient wisdom text - verses. Love is what makes the world go round.
Namaste